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Flat Black Bear

(Ursus plywoodus)

Sometimes colloquially referred to as the "Narrow Footed Bear"
18 subspecies
Life span
30 years (up to 100 years if the "Wolmanized" sub- species)
Flat black bears have a body length of 130-180cm and weigh 12-15kg. They are usually very, very thin.
Physical Appearance
Flat black bears tend to be a uniform flat black color, but there are also brown, gray and even polka-dot (usually found near mobile homes). They have no hair and are medium-sized, often found in proximity to Concrete Geese (canendensis cementus)
Flat black bears inhabit open grassy areas near main highways in much of the south and a few northern regions of the United States. They are especially prevalent in the Appalachian plateau of eastern North America.
Flat black bears are apt to be seen in open areas in the vicinity of suburban homes and near trailer parks. They are almost always seen in groups of three, a  mamma bear and 2 baby bears (nobody knows where papa bear has gone).
Flat black bears have never been seen feeding. The exact nature of their diet has never been scientifically documented. It is thought that they derive their nourishment from the absorption of bird guano that is deposited on their backs by resting avian species. 
Social organization and behavior
Flat black bears are gregarious, most often seen in groups of three. Mothers tend to stay with their young for many years, frequently forever. Territory size can be quite small, most observations indicate that they seldom range more than a centimeter or two from their favorite spot.
Female flat black bears give birth to 2 cubs usually in proximity to a band saw.
Flat black bears are by far the most common species of bears and are not endangered, although individual populations are at risk (from marauding prankster adolescent human males with access to beer).  An estimated 30,000 individuals are hunted and stolen annually in North America, mostly by the alcohol impaired.
Flat black bears are often mistaken for the American Black Bear (ursus americanus). A careful observer has much difficulty distinguishing between the species. Occasionally, only a DNA analysis can prove the difference.